Friday, July 13, 2007

Barney Tupac

Barney suddenly got a whole lot cooler.

Friday Random Thoughts...

1. Why does a 24/7 operation like Waffle House have locks on their doors?
2. Why do drive through ATM machines have braille instructions?
3. Why does Taco Bell take credit cards? Do tacos need extended finance terms?
4. What is martinizing and why does it only take one hour?
5. Why do people have problems paying $3/gallon for gasoline at the BP station but don't think twice about paying $32/gallon for lattes at Starbucks?


Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Oh Hell....It's Odell

Odell Thurman is in trouble again. After a string of DUI's and drug related run ins with the law cost him a time out with the NFL, he's decided to add a spot of (alleged) violence to his list of "things to do on my NFL vacation".

Sad...I hope he turns it around and gets his life back together. He was a great player at UGA and the Bungles certainly are better with him.

Read about it here.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Don't Ever Ask For Directions In St. Pete

I do a lot of traveling for my day job (I am currently unemployed in my "real" career as an international celebrity, so for now, being a corporate salesman pays the bills). Recently I was on a trip to Florida to see some business partners in Tampa and Clearwater. Now, if you are not familiar with the layout of the Tampa/St. Pete area, there is basically this huge bay with Tampa on one side and St. Petersburg, Clearwater, Bradenton, etc.. on the other. A series of bridges and causeways extend from Tampa to get you from one side to the other.

After landing at Tampa International and renting a car that I believe required a 32:1 gas to oil mixture and a pull start, we headed towards the Courtney Campbell causeway to Clearwater. Construction, rush hour traffic and poor highway markings conspired to divert us to I-275 to St. Petersburg instead. Now, I have a vague understanding of the lay of the land (and water) and figure that there must be some sort of way to cut over to Clearwater before we reach St. Pete. If my theory holds true, we should save a little time over doubling back to Tampa to start from scratch.

Again, less than clear highway markings prevent us from finding a way to Clearwater prior to hitting St. Pete. (the issue is that the signs tell you simply what the highway is and not where it leads).

So against every facet of my male DNA, I stop for directions at the first open business I find... a Subway Restaurant. Inside, I discover a cast of characters that one would normally find in a John Kennedy Toole novel.

Let's meet the cast of characters...

Subway Worker #1
Subway Worker #2
Soccer Mom
Rugrat #1
Rugrat #2

Me: Hi, can anyone tell me how I can get to the Courtney Campbell causeway from here? I need to get to Clearwater.

Subway Worker #1:, you might.....hmmm....let's see...

Subway Worker #2: I make sammiches!

Subway Worker #1: Yeah, I think that don't really know. I just moved here. You might want to ask him (points to Subway Worker #2).

Subway Worker #2: I make sammiches!

Me: (sigh) Excuse me, ma'am (addressing Soccer Mom) do you know the best way to get to Clearwater?

Soccer Mom: (to Rugrat #1) Honey, how did we go that time?

Rugrat #1: It was that weird way.

Rugrat #2: (picks nose)

Soccer Mom: Oh, yeah. There's really not a good way to get there.

Rugrat #2: (wipes booger on shorts)

Me: Can any of you just give me a way to get there? Any way to get there? It doesn't have to be the best way.

Subway Worker #2: I make sammiches!

Me: (sigh) Is there a gas station around here?

Subway Worker #1: Oh, yes there is one. But you don't want to ask him. He's not as familiar with the area as we are.

Subway Worker #2: I make sammiches!

At this point I gave up and immediately left what had to have been the ground zero of idiocy.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Who In Their Right Mind Would Send 363 Tons Of Cash To A War Zone?!?!

Why, the U.S. government of course. On Tuesday February 6th, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform looked into the fact that we may have just given away $8.8 billion without any financial audit controls.

Evidently, we packed up $12 billion in mostly $100 bills (that's onto pallets and loaded them up bound for Iraq in C-130 cargo planes. Allow me to shed a little light on what that means: 281 million individual bills (including over $107 million $100 bills) weighing more than 363 tons. 363 tons of money!!!!!! That is a ridiculous amount for me to to comprehend. Now, an audit of the financial dispersement seems to have come up about $8.8 billion short. We can't really explain what happened to $8.8 billion dollars?!?!?

It's all about the Benjamins baby!

To put this in perspective, imagine your annual take home pay. Now imagine that you can't seem to remember where 73% of that money went. Even crackheads can tell you, "oh yeah, I think I spent that on crack". Former Iraq rebuilding exec. L. Paul Bremer on the other hand, seems to think that this is all a big ado about nothing.

So we paid a bunch of Iraqis in cash and never bothered to get a receipt. What's the big deal? Trust me. Everything is fine.

So how how exactly did some of this go down? Well, my suspicion is that the policy created for funds dispersement was inspired by watching "Miami Vice" reruns. Check out the excerpt from this House memo:

"One contractor received a $2 million payment in a duffel bag stuffed with shrink-wrapped bundles of currency. Auditors discovered that the key to a vault was kept in an unsecured backpack. They also found that $774,300 in cash had been stolen from one division's vault. Cash payments were made from the back of a pickup truck, and cash was stored in unguarded sacks in Iraqi ministry offices. One official was given $6.75 million in cash, and was ordered to spend it in one week before the interim Iraqi government took control of Iraqi funds."

Now I know that some of you believe that I might be making this up, so please read the hearing testimony here. It's good stuff.

oh yeah...and by the way, the president wants another $99.6 billion for the war. (I think that we might need bigger some planes for that)

Monday, February 19, 2007

Clemson Jokes Never Get Old...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Warning...this is catchy. For some reason, not only will this rap be stuck in your head all day but you will have an inexplicable urge to buy furniture.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Homeless Men Sued for $1 Million Dollars

A New York business owner has decided to file a lawsuit against three homeless men and one woman.

"Karl Kemp, owner of the posh Karl Kemp & Associates Antiques, Ltd. on Madison Avenue, sued three men and a woman for $1 million earlier this month, alleging they scare away customers when they drink alcohol, urinate and warm themselves above a heating duct in front of his shop." -- Reuters

I am certain that Karl has a legitimate beef here, but what does he think that a $1M lawsuit is going to achieve? Um...hey Karl, if these guys had a million bucks, they probably would not be HOMELESS.

Do ya' think he's got a million bucks in that bag?

(On the other hand, their behavior is similar to mine in college so I really can't throw stones)